Learning Stuff...

I recently finished Joe Vitale's "Hypnotic Writing" book. I had been reading it at work, and whilst I was in the tail end of the book, one of my Native American co-workers, Melissa, saw what I was reading and seemed curious about it.

So I told her, thinking "Okay, here is another potential writer friend." I don't know if she truly wants to be a writer, or she is simply seeking knowledge for its own sake (which isn't all bad). But yesterday, she asked me if I'd finished reading the book and when I said yes, she asked if I'd learned anything.

On the surface, it seemed like a silly question. If I didn't want to learn from that book, I wouldn't have read it. However...I've been turning that question over and over in my head, in my usual Virgo-midheaven tactic of overanalyzing stuff (or at least the potential thereof), and wondering if I didn't go through the book too quickly.

See, I get this feeling that the two Natives who have been the most friendly to me so far in the manner of wanting to get to know me (without being like Miss Queen Bee) don't take knowledge and learning lightly...and I would love to spend more time with them, in order to confirm those hunches. And I would dearly love to know more about their particular traditions. Not so I can steal them. Not only would it be silly of me to try, as I don't look a thing like a Native American (for starters) but it would be very disrespectful of me.

It is an interesting experience being around the Meskwaki people just by working at the casino. And that's understating things. Perhaps I am romanticizing things a bit, but from day one of getting my first approval letter from the Sac & Fox Gaming Commission, I have not once taken this whole opportunity lightly.

My co-workers may view the casino as just a place to earn money, but for me this experience represents an extraordinary range of thoughts, feelings and chances to start fresh with my life.

And it's an opportunity to experience being around those whose ancestors were here before mine ever were. And the more I am around them, the more I feel so, so torn, and so elated at the same time.

I've felt that way just being around Quentin, even though he does not choose to practice the traditions of his own people.

And I think, what is it that the Native Americans have or know that my own race does not? Am I or other modern members of my race even allowed to have such knowledge? Should we be allowed to have it, since we have deprived many First Nations members of their rights as human beings? To give you a better idea of how torn I feel, here is an example:

My heart couldn't even get into the usual 4th of July celebrations because my mind was on my new friends' tradition of Proclamation Day, something that is specific to the Meskwaki--it is their own way of claiming their 'State of Independence,' because they got smart and bought their own big piece of land from the US government and instead of it being a "reservation," it is considered a 'Settlement.' They took control of their own tribal destiny and owned it fair and square...not unlike the American colonists who took their destiny into their own hands, and created a new nation for themselves just because George III of England was basically being a controlling jackass.

...yet...years later, the Native Americans were viewed as lower than the black slaves...and then not much later many tribes were made to live on government-sanctioned reservations (with the obvious exception of the Iowa branch of the Meskwaki)...we Caucasians repeated similar, controlling mistakes our English ancestors made, only towards another race--a race that wasn't even "imported" from another country, but had been there many hundreds of years before the Puritans--or the Spanish conquistadors, if you're attuned to the Mesoamerican 'vibe.'

We took their lands, their sources of food. And now it seems many modern spiritual seekers are drawn to Native culture too (I am not exempt from feeling drawn, either), and are all too willing to incorporate it into their own practice without considering the feelings of those from whom they are taking such beautiful traditions and watering them down to suit European sensibilities. Is it any wonder that many tribal elders are fearful, angry and feeling rightfully disrespected?

Yet not all seekers are like that...some are indeed very respectful, and would honor the Native ways deeply and mindfully, in an effort to heal many centuries of cultural conflict, to build bridges of friendship based on mutual honesty and trust--albeit hard-earned trust. Still, there is the matter of ancestry --and all that karmic buildup that resulted--to be resolved. Because of this matter, how far deep should we Caucasians go into learning Native ways without disrespecting the paths of the Elders?

I think the most fair and balanced answer to this dilemma is from this one Native elder who told Druid priest Philip Carr-Gomm and his wife Stephanie that the white folks "need to make peace with their own ancestors." Once they do, "then they can come to us." I honestly can't argue with that.

It is knowing and feeling the power of that statement churning in my soul that brings me back to Melissa's question of whether or not I learned anything from "Hypnotic Writing."

It does not have so much to do with the actual topic of that book. But rather that the Native American and the Caucasian worlds are far enough apart in geographical and traditional ancestry, let alone philosophy of thought, as well as feeling and sensibility, that the way the First Nation peoples--at least those who still get to practice their ways--might view learning and knowledge is vastly different from the way Caucasians see it: cautious, humble and soulful in stark contrast to our tendencies to get high-n-mighty and more than a good deal self-important as we glibly cogitate, regurgitate then graduate.

And yet, the two Meskwaki people who have truly gotten curious enough about me--in a genuine way--are open to learning more about the Caucasian members of the human family, instead of being like Miss Queen Bee and making fun.

One of them, named Edwin, used the jazz music of a car commercial on tv to break the ice further with me, and asked me what music I liked. I told him about Jon Anderson and Vangelis' influence on me, and told him about two of my favorite of Jon's songs: "Change We Must," and "Hurry Home." He even took out a notebook and wrote down the titles of the songs to look up on YouTube.

I think if there is any Meskwaki person I'd want to get to know better, it's Edwin. His energy is quiet and soulful. He does not take himself too seriously, I don't think, but he seems willing to deeply consider any new, incoming information that he thinks he might learn from. I did notice that he seems to be a deeply spiritual man...he was reading a book called "Welcome, Holy Spirit."Based on this one observation, I can probably assume that he is most likely a Christian, but given most well-known Native perceptions of what the Holy Spirit is like, I would be deeply interested to know and understand his take on the book he was reading.

He asked me what book I was reading, and I showed him my copy of "Way of the Peaceful Warrior," by Dan Millman. I told him that a movie had been made of the book and asked if he'd heard of it before. He said he hadn't. I wonder if he will ask me about it later or simply Google it.

And underneath all this mental chatter about my new friends, I am wondering if all my own searching within as a result of beginning work at the casino has attracted certain people within the tribe to begin to speak with me and be friends. I mean, I didn't necessarily ask the Universe specifically about becoming friends with at least some of the Meskwaki. But if we're talking specifics...why Melissa and Edwin and not others of the tribe? "Vibe" match, I suppose. :-P

I know...I am probably analyzing this experience into the ground, but still, wrapping my head and my heart around this whole thing has been one heck of a ride.

I have spent much time on this and not enough time in my Dreamwalking. I better go grab at least *some* semblance of shuteye. Perhaps Brother Lizard will guide me to deeper understanding through my dreams as to any underlying reasons or purposes why the Universe led me so quickly to a job at the casino.

Blessed Be,
Rev. Kat ^.^

State of Independence for Jon and the Issue of Owning One's Power

Twice in a row.

Twice. That is how many times the rest of the Yes-boys have decided not to tour with Jon as their captain, leader and front man.

I found this out from Jon himself on his Facebook wall. I could tell he was disappointed by this, yet still hopeful for next year.

While this allows Jon a bit of extra recoup time to regain the strength to withstand the emotional and physical rigors of touring, they did not call up Jon to ask him whether or not he was up to touring with them. They decided on their own.

Or did Chris Squire pull another fast one and Steve and Alan, et. al just went along for the ride, taking that cheeky tribute-band upstart Benoit David along with them? I don't mind Oliver Wakeman being on keyboards, as he is Rick's son. That is not a big problem with me.

What I have a deep-down problem with, is behavior from Chris that has always seemed like near-mutiny ever since Jon got sick and Chris re-announced the tour after hiring Mssr. David. I am not the only one who feels this way. I have a friend over at MySpace who also does not get a very nice vibe from Chris. Our feelings were confirmed when one of us read how contentious Chris could be sometimes.

Well, he never did claim to be the truly spiritual sort.

It is, as many of us humans have discovered, far easier to get angry and stay that way, not forgiving easily. So for Jon to sit back, take it on the chin once more, yet forgive them all and still claim them as brothers and hope for a tour next year...that takes a seriously evolved soul, not to mention gobs of courage.

And you wonder why I admire him, beyond his sun-god voice and winning smile? ;-)

Yeah...his soul. He seems to have the strength to say, "Okay, I'm not touring with them. They want it like that for now. Maybe next year...so, in the meantime, perhaps I can do some touring and singing on my own."

It's not like he doesn't have a decent solo career anyway...still, I wonder how many times they will dis Jon and jeopardize the band's future before he sighs and says, "Enough is enough. I'm officially retiring from the band and doing my own thing...maybe get back with the School of Rock, or something."

If he does that, well, it will be a sad day for Yes fans who remember fondly the times they saw Jon with the others in concert umpteen years ago, because quite frankly, Jon IS the true heart and soul of Yes. And for that soul to permanently go away because Jon might finally get tired of the mutiny the other Yes-boys have committed would pretty much sound the final death knell for the group. Because as I've observed on MySpace and Facebook, there are not very many people who want to see the Yes-ship without Captain Jon Anderson at the helm.

But it might be a state of beautiful independence for this lovely man who has not once deserved the crap Chris has dealt him.

Sooo....Vangelis, Kitaro, Mike Oldfield, wherever you guys are, or whatever you're doing, if you have a mind to, you might want to give your old musical comrade Jon Anderson a call, and he'll set his Moorglade on a course your way...

And he'll just keep on pouring out the lovely vibrational beacon he's been sending out to people all these years, with or without the other Yes-dudes.

Because Jon is his own man...he plots his own course, Goddess bless him.

And therefore, whether or not he is with Yes, he is *my* captain as well, even though I'm not with the band.

Because he inspires me to own my own power, my own energy, and not let anyone else try to dictate my course of life. Of course, you might say, "Well, isn't allowing yourself to be inspired by others giving them your energy?"

Not necessarily, my friends. One can be inspired by someone one admires and still own one's own power. For instance, I never would have picked up the guitar again if I had allowed other people's ideas about my desire to purchase one of my own dictate whether or not I saved back the money for the instrument.

But I remembered how much I enjoyed learning the guitar back in college, despite the fact that the guitar I had was my dad's and it was too big for me. I was already feeling my oats about wanting to learn songwriting on the guitar just because it's far more portable than a baby grand piano.

On top of that, Jon's music just kept on feeding the fire inside my heart to get back to my own musical talents, and the more I heard his considerable skill on the guitar, I thought, "To heck with whatever anyone else says, even my own dad, because damn it, I can't not write music and sing."

Next thing I knew I was in a pawn shop, plucking the downtuned strings of a used Ibanez, and the sound-energy just snaked through me, causing me to vibrate and I said, "Guitar, you are SO mine!"

And now that lovely piece of carved, hollowed (hallowed?) wood is sitting in its beautiful burgundy-red-lined case (how appropriate a color for plumbing the cthonic depths of the soul!) against my east-facing wall.

"...my sun shall rise in the east...so shall my heart be at peace..."

With Jon as my Muse, keeping that peace in my heart is not very difficult...;-)

Here's to discovering your own source of inspiration, your own Muse, whoever that may be and may you drink long and heartily from it all the rest of your days.

BB and Namaste,
Rev. Kat ^.^

Fear...

Okay, so I didn't wait THAT long to post about fear.

And it's a loaded topic, with so many twists and turns that it would take weeks and weeks of blogging to unravel it.

Science has its explanations of the physical changes that accompany the emotion of fear. But do the chemicals make the fear? Or does the emotion of fear spark the chemical response?

Fear, as it is understood in both psychology and anthropology, is survival-based. It has its roots in our hunter-gatherer origins. I know this statement is oversimplified, but I'm blogging before work and I need to make this brief.

Natural fear reactions, just as they are, are natural. We are here on this planet. We live, we breathe, we grow. We're animals, and we want to stay alive, perhaps for no other purpose than to experience being human and to pass on our human genetic code to future generations.

But if there is one thing I have noticed about humanity, is that along with our larger skulls, larger brains (and in the view of natural selection, the idea that larger genitalia make for better survival of the species), we seem to have also developed notions of:

Rank or class
Superiority/Privileges (or lack thereof) based on rank or class
Inferiority/Privilges (or lack thereof) based on rank or class

Granted, other species also have something of a hierarchy, but their associations seem to be based more on physical size rather than finances or expertise in one field or another.

We humans, however, seem to attach much emotion and meaning to the above notions of rank, class, privilege, inferiority/superiority. We manipulate and shove people around emotionally and mentally because of these attachments, creating fear in people where there was none, originally.

Why? What's the purpose? Is it ancient, primal survival tactics that are merely blended in with modern times and the development of currency?

If that's all it is, the notions of financial and educational equality have been achieved to great success in many parts of the world.

But what of religious fear and the use of power and cruel manipulation to make the "common people" do what the people in power want done, supposedly in the Divine Name?

That, my friends, I have never understood, and I am still trying to wrap my head round it.

I am on a high right now, listening to Jon Anderson's "Toltec" album, so I am not necessarily in a very "academic" mood. ;-)

BB and Namaste,
Rev. Kat ^.^

The Mystical and Concrete

I've come to a rather disturbing understanding of an aspect of myself.

For all my mysticism, I can be very concrete in my thinking at times.

And I wonder why. Where do I get these hardcore ideas and why do I attach so much meaning to them?

And do these ideas become hardcore BECAUSE I'm so attached to them?

Is it that part of me that is so zealot-like? I know I can be that way...having very limited ideas about the world, even if they are high-flight mystical notions that I tend to treasure like Gollum treasures the One Ring.

And then I turn around and gripe about the zealots whose ideas are opposite my own, that I feel are harmful to human freedom and free will on many levels.

To which do I object more: their harmful ideas, or their stubborn, childish hardheadedness that makes it impossible for other ideas to come into their minds and soften their position and thoughts?

I've a gut feeling that it's the stubbornness, the hardheaded attitude that causes the problems. Fear, I am sure, is the root. But there's part of me that says "Surely it is not as simple as that."

But what if it IS as simple as that? And why DO we fear in the first place?

That's another ponderance for another time.

Dreams and Visions, Brought To You By the Geico Gecko...(j/k!)

Another very strange, very powerful dream occurred. Last one was about ETs and leadership, the deeper meaning of which still rather has me befuddled. I may do some Tarot work to clear that up.

This newest one was about vocation, career, life path. Not surprising since this is what I've been focusing on lately.

What DID surprise me consisted of the following elements:

1) My boyfriend and I are in the house (very well-appointed, I might add) of a leader of this odd spiritual sect that has recently garnered much favor in people's eyes. He also has a wife and children. One of them, the nine-year-old, is sort of skinny, frail and a bit like Charlie Brown in that he does not, by nature, have much hair, or that it is so light and fuzzy that it makes the child appear slightly bald. His brother is also skinny, but much older at seventeen, with a mop of fine, dark hair hanging past his collar. They do not play too much of a role in my dream, except as a natural part of the background, and that they are like their father: ancient and wise beyond their years.

2) He invites us both to stay overnight, as it is late and the service/workshop of his we recently attended has just ended. Plus, I am also there to answer his advertisement for a manager's position in a New Age shop he owns. He would be the boss, fronting the money for product purchases and whatnot, but allowing the manager to run the shop as he/she saw fit, trusting that he/she would use their intuition to know what the business needed to thrive.

3) We go ahead and stay over, sleeping in a bed that is situated in the man's very large personal study, as it's the only guest bed in the house, despite the large amount of square-footage of the home. When we awaken, the man is sitting across from us in his chair. I can now see his face and it is quite craggy, as if his face were carved rock. He also feels quite old...MUCH much older than he looks.

4) It is now that I begin to perceive that he is not as he seems. Not that he is "bad" or "evil," but simply hiding something about his true nature from me. The scene switches and we are all in the kitchen, sitting at his dining table. His first words to me, as he looks me squarely in the eye, are: "You don't really want that manager's position, do you? I know you. As soon as you become ensconced in that job, you'll be wishing you could work on your writing and music. Please be honest with yourself."

5) His wife, who wears Coke-bottle glasses and long ash-blonde hair says, "Yes. I was the same way...going from job to job, wishing I was doing what burned in my heart. Now I have created my dream job, my life's work, and I couldn't be happier."

6) The man and his wife ask Q and me to stay for dinner. Q wants to get going and leave, but I ask him if we could stay, as I felt it would be rude to refuse a meal when they were being so hospitable. Plus I want to speak more with them both. Q agrees and we sit down to a meal of cheesy vegetables and a side of leaves, twigs and flowers with insects in them.

My thought upon awakening was "Who the heck was this guy?" and then it dawned on me that "Lizard," a power animal from Stephen Farmer's Power Animal Oracle Deck had been showing up in my readings of late, representing Dreams and Visions.

I HAD to look up the diet of a lizard, particularly that of the type of lizard featured on the card. Aye, sure enough...most lizards are insectivores, with some enjoying many varieties of fruit.

This suggested to me that perhaps the man was the Lizard totem in disguise, because why else would insects show up on the menu? And there WAS that odd feeling of something being hidden from me...not to mention the man's feeling of being ancient despite his relatively youthful appearance (he looked like he was in his 50s or 60s). Lizards also represent Primal, Ancient energy, which might explain that "ancient" feeling from the man.

Again, as I said, even his kids felt older and much wiser than their years--though one was playing video games and one was simply happy to run around the room with a balsa-wood model plane in his hands. I didn't see the eyes of the 17-yr-old, but the eyes of the 9-yr-old were deep hazel-blue, beautiful, thoughtful as well as playful, as if he were meant to take his father's spiritual reins later on in life--and was more than willing to do it because he knew what his father was doing was correct: healing and guiding folks to better-lived lives.

Anyhow, I really doubt this dream needs much more interpretation than what I gave it just because it was THAT vivid and powerful...

So far the themes have been:

Leadership/Answering a Call
Being Honest With Myself about My Vocation.

Yeah, pretty powerful stuff, I'd say.

BB, and Namaste,
Rev. Kat ^.^

So Long Ago, So Clear..

So long ago so clear...

...are the memories of when I first became aware of the way people treat each other sometimes...

So long ago so clear...

...are the memories of when I first heard the sunlike, sparkling voice of Jon Anderson when I was 8 years old...and I still cannot get enough of his voice, his lyrics, his songs...

So long ago so clear...

...are the memories of when I first went off to college at 18, so desperate to be on my own, yet not knowing the financial ramifications of doing so without a lot of my own money, not knowing what I really wanted, not knowing how burnt-out I'd be from the pressure to do everything and be everything to everyone...losing my True Self in the process...

So long ago so clear...

...are the memories of when I heard more of Jon's work with Vangelis, plus got fully introduced to his being front man for Yes (thanks to a long-ago acquaintance in a New Age chatroom)...and I began my journey Home to my Real Self...

I no longer felt, or feel, alone. I felt, and feel like there is a kindred, but older, spirit lighting my way...so that I can light the way for others...

Maybe that last phrase sounds a bit egotistical...but is it egotistical to want to pay forward all the Universal Love and Peace I feel within the music of my favorite musician and his co-collaborators, both of whom continually inspire me to continue on my personal Quest?

Is it egotistical to want to share how it feels to finally know what it is to divest oneself of all the pain, hurt and anger, simply by sitting and absorbing--not just listening to--beautiful words that can bring one back from the edge of one's personal hell, and close to--and even over--the edge of knowing one's True Self? 

I may never get to meet Jon in person, but in the Universal scheme of things, I feel I know him anyway...I feel I know his soul, at least through his music...but most importantly, I know what he means to a lot of other people, too. He's not just a front man for a prog-rock band, nor is he just an entertainer with a beautiful voice and instrumental talent from here to his old hometown and back again. 

He's someone who's come here from the stars to remind us all of the peace and beauty of Home. 

...So to think how far I've come, spiritually...oh, sure, I've put in my own efforts..but...how much extra effort would I have put in had I not known Jon's music?

'Tis something I think about...particularly on my birthday (or thereabouts).

Can't help it...it comes with the territory of realizing where I am in life and how much further I have to go...

...and how I've not completed my Earthly missions just yet.

Blessings and Namaste,

Rev. Kat ^.^

Thoughts Surrounding my Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday. And tomorrow, according to Central Standard Time, is in 40 minutes. 

And I am staring right into the face of my own personal crunch time. 

I will be 31 years old. It has been seven years since I moved back in with my parents after trying to live on my own, and it has been almost six years since I met Quentin.

What I am facing is this: 

1) I am hypothyroid and overweight, with PCOS on top of everything, which is going to make it very difficult for me to get pregnant without the aid of the medical community. A woman's childbearing years are limited, and the older a woman gets, the higher the risk is for Down's syndrome. Not sure I want to face that risk.

2) Quentin and I don't have our own place yet, and he just got laid off. I've also been unemployed for a good year and a half. 

3) I want to get my own creative career going pronto, for my own emotional and financial peace of mind. I look at where Jon Anderson and Vangelis were, career-wise in relation to how old they were when they first collaborated (Jon was 31, not quite 32, and Vangelis would have been 32, not quite 33)...and by comparison, I feel so far behind...especially when I look at Jon's daughter Jade, who's already made something of a name for herself, and she is two years younger than I am. 

I think part of my problem is, I have so many ideas in my head, so many things I want to do in my life, and it feels so overwhelming that I have troubles just getting started as there are things I still don't know and sometimes the learning curve for certain things is so sharp that I spend more time learning than I spend time actually DOING the things that require all that study. 

Then just yesterday I read something in an article about Beyonce' Knowles. She said something to the effect that she picks and chooses which projects are going to enrich her and pay dividends emotionally and spiritually in the long term. The key words here are "enriching in the long term." 

And this young woman is not only beautiful with a beautiful voice, her work ethic is unbelievably strong. She'll push forward with one more run-through of a song when everyone else is pushing her to take five. I just hope she doesn't push herself so hard she lets herself get run down, physically. I know it takes a lot of work to execute your goals, but there's gotta be some balance, and I'd like to know how she works it all out. The Goddess-of-Mystery-Force is definitely with Beyonce'. ;-)

*My* problem right now is, I am a night owl, and in order to get things done, the necessary thing to do is wake up early. So how do I get myself to stop working even after my favorite TV programs are over ("Paranormal State" on Mondays at 9 and "Hell's Kitchen" on Thursdays at 8)? Because when those shows are over, I am compelled to come back upstairs and pound out just one more Hub at HubPages or read others' Hubs, or write on my stories. 

And I'd *really* also want to focus on my spiritual studies, and it's tough to do that when the siren call of typing on the computer (whether or not I'm working) gets very loud. So...what kind of solution can I come up with to get me to switch off the computer and devote some time to restoring my spirit and Self?

Something tells me an alarm clock of some sort might help me. Maybe I'll take a look at the Opera widgets before I go spending money.

Anywho, I'll close off for now, and report back later.

BB,

Rev. Kat ^.^